You know those moments in parenting where you are so desperate for a tantrum to be diffused or a situation to be smoothed over that you make something up? Then a bit later it turns round and bites you in the arse? I thought I’d write my list of those occasions for your pleasure and also as an exercise in catharsis to cure my guilt! I hope you enjoy…
- The Christmas tree party
My 2 pre school girls were appalled at the thought of us having to get rid of the Christmas tree at the end of the festive season. They had grown really fond of it, and I could sense a really big meltdown from the 3 year old on its way about it. So the husband and I concucted a story about how all the Christmas trees get together at the end of the season for a huge Christmas tree party. This worked an absolute gem….perhaps a bit too well. All the way to the tree dump they were chatting about it. “Do you think there’ll be music and dancing mummy??” “erm, I don’t think the party is actually happening now darling, they’re just gathering getting ready for it” Now every time we see people carting off their trees they shout in glee “there’s another one going to the party!!”. I just hope no one bursts their bubble on this one…..
2. Father Christmas leaving presents outside
Another seasonal one! My kids were not impressed about the idea of some fat dude with a beard entering the living quarters of their house uninvited, let alone their bedroom. So we had to tell them we’d cleared it with him to leave the presents on the doorstep and text us once he’d been so we could bring them in. We said this would be far more convenient for him anyway, as he’ll be incredibly busy. Santa is big on technology these days don’t you know!
3. Sleepy Bridge
We were on a long journey to Brighton where we were moving to. My eldest was so excited about it and very excited. We were absolutely desperate for her to have a nap in the car because she hadn’t slept for ages and we knew seeing the new house would be a bit of a sensory overload. But try as we might she wouldn’t relax. We decided to take the tack of going for a placebo effect. We were about 5 mins away from the big bridge you go over to get to the Dartford Crossing. “oooh Daisy….we’re about to go over sleepy bridge!” “What’s that mummy?” “It’s a bridge that makes you all relaxed and want to go to sleep as you go over it”. Yeah nice try mummy! She still didn’t sleep. But now every time we go past London she’s like “Will we go over sleepy bridge mummy?”. Oops.
4. The Poo Party
This is probably where we got the inspiration from the Christmas tree party tall tale. Our eldest has been known to go through periods where she refuses to poo. This leads to constipation and trouble all round. We ended up saying and doing anything to try and encourage her to go. We were desperate. One strategy was to tell her that the poo REALLY wants to come out because once it comes out her bum it joins all the other poos for a huge great poo party. It actually seemed to help quite a lot. But it has resulted in a few embarrassing moments in public loos when success occurs. “Yes mummy! There it is! Now it can go to the pooooooo paaaarty! WOOOOOP” Woop indeed Daisy, woop indeed.
5. All alcoholic drinks are called “grown up juice”
I suppose this one isn’t too far from the truth. It still makes me giggle when they occasionally check with me before drinking “this isn’t grown up juice is it, mummy?” or they catch a whiff of my wine and go “URGH! Grown up juice!” in disgust.
6. That ride is broken
Oh lordy this one is an absolute classic. You know the drill…you’re at the supermarket or some other shop with one of those rides that requires endless 50ps. “Can we have a go mummy? Please?!” “oh no darling, it’s out of order…never mind” Then you see another kid running for it with their parents. Oh god, oh god – SCARPER before your cover is blown!
7. The TV is going to bed
I’m pretty sure this yarn is recycled from my parents too. The old story of the TV not working past a certain time because it needs to have a rest and go to sleep. It worked pretty well until we were rumbled. The kids were really poorly with hand foot and mouth and needed cuddling pretty much all night, so we did anything to get through it. Including watching some late night telly. “I thought the TV didn’t work at this time because it needed to sleep, mummy?” RUMBLED!
8. The bird is asleep
The saddest tall tale of them all. The death avoidance chat. It’s only had to happen a couple of times. Once when they found a dead bird and once when they found a dead mouse. Luckily on both occasions the animals were still pretty in tact. “Oh look! What’s wrong with it??” NOTHING TO SEE HERE! “It’s just asleep darling….come on, we are late!”. Obviously I know I’ll have to tackle the subject of death and dying at some point…I’m just not ready yet!
9. Crocodiles in the bath
This one was passed down from my parents. I’ve forgiven them so I hope my kids forgive me. It’s always such a mare trying to get the kids out the bath as they’re usually having far too much fun and don’t want to go to bed. To get them out they too have been fed the urban myth about the crocodiles. As soon as the plug comes out the crocodiles start making their way up to snap you! It gets them out quick sharp. I possibly feel the guiltiest about this one, as on occasion they do appear quite scared of the fabricated crocodiles.
10. The guy with a sausage in his mouth
Yeah, you read that right. There’s been a couple of occasions where the kids have seen pics etc of men smoking cigars. One of which is bizarrely on a model of Groucho Marx. One of the kids goes “what’s in his mouth?!” I couldn’t quite be bothered to face the smoking discussion so for some reason “he has a sausage in his mouth” was the first thing that sprang into my head. A few weeks later we were reading the book “The Bad Baby” where the fruit barrow boy is also smoking a cigar “Oh look mummy, he has a sausage in his mouth too!” That he does, that he does.
Sally Bunkham is the founder of Mum's Back- luxury gift hampers for new mums focussing on the yummy stuff not allowed in pregnancy, whilst raising money for PANDAS Foundation.