I did not realise I had postnatal depression for far too long. The symptoms I had did not tally with my understanding of what PND was. I wasn’t sad, it didn’t happen straight after having my baby (it was more like 4-5 months later that it began), I didn’t get anything like it with my first, and I had bonded brilliantly with them both. Additionally to this I wasn’t even thinking about my own mental health. I had two babies under 2, one of whom was incredibly upset and in pain with an undiagnosed medical condition much of the time. My health was very low down on my priorities list. Because of this I was hugely thrown off the scent. My PND wasn’t diagnosed until I hit rock bottom and in a terrible place. By then I had begun self-harming and was trying to come to terms with the fact I was (what I perceived anyway) a terrible mother and a horrible person. It took my husband spotting the marks on my arms and sitting me down and begging me to see the GP before I sought help. By then I was past caring. I went to the doctors feeling numb and hollow. I had nothing left to give and nothing more to lose.
The diagnosis turned out to be a bit of a revelation for me. Having a label on what I now knew was a condition was liberating. It meant that if I was ill I could get better. And that’s exactly what happened, all be it very slowly and very gradually. It was a significant and definite turning point for me.
So now I do what I can to raise awareness for others. I want everyone to seek help sooner rather than later, and not hit that horrendous rock bottom that I did. I reflect and look back on what could have helped me. What I needed was something to help me identify there was a problem. I spent so many months brushing my feelings under the carpet; dismissing them as “just tired” or “just stressed”. The thing with PND (and other mental health problems) is that generally they don’t just appear. You don’t just wake up one morning with the condition. They creep in slowly and gradually. So much so that you have no gauge for how you SHOULD feel, or what your “normal” actually is. This was the problem for me. It’s terrible that it took me beginning to self-harm before I admitted to myself there was a problem. This is where I see Moment Health being amazing. If I’d taken time out to think about how I was earlier, I’d have got myself sorted sooner. Moment Health provides that vital metaphorical yardstick that encourages you to measure exactly how you’re doing. Without no measure or encouragement to even think about it I was (again, metaphorically) swimming along blind, not knowing if I was even in the sea or a river or a swimming pool…and not knowing which I SHOULD be in in any case.
I love Moment Health’s ethos. You begin not having to assume there is an issue. It’s for everyone. It encourages us all to briefly take time out to focus on ourselves. Self-care is so very essential, and I think it’s fabulous to have a tool to help us do this, in a very practical sense. It’s an age old saying, but oh so true…you can’t pour from an empty cup. The best thing we can do for us and our kids is to be as content in ourselves as we can. It’s easy to forget this and prioritise them to the detriment of our own health.
One thing I also found really hard during those bleak months of PND was knowing if I was better or worse than the day before, or last week, or 3 months ago. It was all about survival, and on hardly any sleep. So when I did break down at the GP’s that day and got that diagnosis he asked me how long I’d felt like I did. I had no idea. It was all a total horrible blur. Moment Health tracks and records it all for you. Not only does it help and measure your feelings, it records it all. This would have made that first step of getting help, which is often so incredibly hard, so much smoother and easier.
I’ve been on the road to recovery now for several months. I still have bad days, but they are usually very short lived. I have the Moment Health free app installed on my phone, as my own personal checker system. I now prioritise my mental health and ensure I dedicate a little time every day to check in with myself. I’d encourage everyone to do the same, no matter what stage of motherhood they’re at. I couldn’t be any more behind Moment Health’s strap line, to #makematernalmentalhealthmainstream.
Sally Bunkham is the founder of mumsback.com. Hamper gifts for new mums focussing on the yummy stuff not allowed whilst pregnant, whilst raising awareness of perinatal mental health issues. The Christmas range is available now.