If you'd asked me before my experience of PND what it was all about I'd probably have said it was a feeling of sadness some women get straight after the birth of their baby. I assumed it meant they felt all depressed and didn't really bond with the baby well. That was it. That was the extent of my awareness of PND. If someone had asked me before my experience of self-harm what that was all about I might have said something about Kurt Cobain. My naive view was that it was probably something a moody teenage emo type would do…..possibly while listening to grunge music in their bedrooms. I thought it was something they anticipated doing and would prepare for. Something they probably thought was “cool”. Am I embarrassed about my old views on all this? Hell YES. Just typing it now is making me squirm with shame.
Both PND and self-harming were things that crept up on me. I didn't get PND with my first baby and I didn't get it until my second was around 5 months old. It didn't take the shape I assumed it would. I wasn't really sad and I fiercely loved both my kids. I WAS incredibly exhausted; so much so I was hallucinating images and noises and I WAS incredibly angry. I was angry with pretty much everyone and everything and especially angry with myself. I'd had 2 babies just one year apart. Two under two was hard work, and add the fact my youngest had an undiagnosed medical condition which meant she cried and was in pain SO much of the time into the mix; it created the perfect storm. But my focus wasn't on my own mental health, it was on my babies and all the jobs I had to do to ensure they were alive and as happy as they could be. This was incredibly hard when the youngest was crying so very much. The toughest part was not being able to do anything about it. We tried EVERYTHING. We saw specialists, paediatricians, dieticians, cranial osteopaths, nurses, doctors….we tried cutting out certain foods, medication, special milks, probiotics, special cots, special slings…the WORKS. Nothing would bring any relief. And the guilt was unbearable. The guilt I couldn't stop my baby crying. The guilt my first daughter wasn't getting enough attention because I was constantly trying to get the youngest to stop crying. The guilt that I'd just shouted at my husband, my mum, my dad…because I was a horrible person. This would make me even angrier and even more likely to do it again. It was a horrible, vicious, exhausting cycle that saw no end in sight.
The self harm began in a subtle but violent way. It was an extension of the anger and sheer frustration I was feeling. I was up at 3am for the millionth time and I was so tired it felt like I was losing my mind. Every time I tried to put my baby down she'd SCREAM or wake 10 mins later. I was beyond exasperated. I grabbed a pillow, shoved it into my face and screamed into it. The pillow muffled the noise so no one else heard. After I'd done it I felt stupid. What had I just done? I didn't care, though. It provided a vent for the anger. In a way it felt good. I grabbed the pillow again and punched it hard before breaking down in tears. This became a new way of dealing with things. Screaming into and punching pillows in the middle of the night. It progressed on to punching walls. This would really hurt, but provided my first experience, I suppose, of “self-harm”. Unbeknown to me, the punching of the wall was my brain trying to find a way to cope with the sheer stress, anger, exhaustion, frustration and self-loathing I was developing in and for myself. It felt good as I was doing it. By now I'd learnt to take myself off to the quietest part of the house, away from my husband and the kids. I would punch the wall as hard as I could. The act of doing it provided a way for me to get all that inner anger, pain and frustration out, whilst simultaneously punishing myself for all my failures, which at the time I believed were 1. being a rubbish mum 2. being unable to do my main job of ensuring my kids were happy and pain free, 3. the guilt of the kids not getting the same level of attention and 4. being a crap, angry person who was horrible to everyone.
After a few of these episodes things progressed to me hurting my arms. Instead of punching walls I would get my finger nails and drag them down my arms as hard as I could, making big long red marks that would bleed. I think it was at this point it became clear to me that I was veering into the realms of “self harm”, as it replicated more of the Kurt Cobain/grunger style “self harm” I was familiar with. I suppose it was this that gave me the signal it was time to seek some kind of help. My husband had also noticed what I was doing and gently sat me down and said he thought it was time to see someone. I did see the GP and my road to recovery began. Luckily for me, self harming did not continue and did not get any worse. I am so thankful for this.
My experience was horrible and bleak and not a time in my life I'd want to go back to at all, but it did provide me with an interesting insight into both PND and self-harm. I now realise that they are both incredibly complex issues and can take many many shapes and forms. Like depression, perinatal mental health conditions can manifest in SO many different ways. It doesn't just have to be feeling “sad”. I found this graphic which illustrates the point brilliantly
credit for this graphic – www.kidspot.au
My experience of self-harm made me realise how complex that it is. Mine wasn't founded out of the quiet self-loathing you associate with grungers and emos. It was manifested from sheer anger and desperation. There is so much stigma surrounding it. I think there is a common misconception that thoughts and actions around self-harm are closely linked to suicidal thoughts, which I do not believe is the case at all. Self-harm is simply our brains finding a way to cope with incredibly stressful and tricky situations, and YES this can be common if we've gone through the life changing experience of having a baby. If you have experienced or are experiencing these kinds of symptoms, I'd highly recommend seeing your GP. This is where I began and the act of that visit alone began my journey to recovery. The Samaritans also run a totally free helpline, which is open to all and open 24 hours a day. They are fabulously trained and contrary to popular belief you do NOT need to be on the brink of suicide in order to call them. PANDAS Foundation are also there to support those with young families. The more we can talk and be open about it, the more people will seek help when they experience it or have feelings that suggest they may be going down that road. If you'd like to read another of my blogs about how to look after your mental health you can check out this article. The article talks of an amazing free tool you can use to monitor your own mental health, called Moment Health., which I highly recommend
This article was written by Sally Bunkham, founder of mumsback.com who provide new mum hampers focussing on the yummy stuff denied in pregnancy, while raising awareness of perinatal mental health issues and money for PANDAS Foundation.
